


Together we'll have one vision

by madness_and_smiles



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s04e08 Year of Hell, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 23:59:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16922856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madness_and_smiles/pseuds/madness_and_smiles
Summary: There are many realities, but they are not all equal. Kathryn Janeway knows this. So she knew that, while there are many possibilities out there, not all of them are good, or kind, or livable. As the memories of a year in hell that her crew never experience flood Voyager, Kathryn is forced to reevaluate the people in her life. Her commanding officer in particular.





	Together we'll have one vision

**Author's Note:**

> Day 9 of 25 days of Voyager!
> 
> (Really, it's just me still being frustrated by how Year of Hell doesn't make sense, and picking up the pieces... and also adding some romance)
> 
> I didn't have a beta and I literally finished it this morning, so if you spot any errors, please let me know and I'll update and fix!

There are many realities, but they are not all equal. Kathryn Janeway knows this; as a graduate of Starfleet Academy where one must learn the importance of the temporal prime directive, but also as a captain of a starship with its own unfortunate run-ins with the time stream. She did not want to have the fate of 1996 on her hands again. So she knew that, while there are many possibilities out there, not all of them are good, or kind, or livable.

For the most part, this knowledge is little more than extra credit question. Realities are largely separate and unmemorable, and Kathryn Janeway is a woman who focuses on the tangibles – on what she can see, what she can do. Especially in recent years, where the only possibilities she has cared about are ones that exist in the future, and can take her crew home.

So she doesn’t waste time regretting the realities where she never destroyed the array, or the even quieter ones where she had never been sent to track down a Maquis vessel called the _Val Jean_ in the first place. She knows there’s nowhere it can take her. Those lives are locked and gone, as unreachable and unknowable as death. Kathryn made her bed, and counts herself lucky to be able to call the crew of _Voyager_ her family, even if it is a family brought together by the direst of circumstances.

And yet, none of that stops her from thinking about all the universes where she could have, maybe, met Chakotay differently… if the universe had been a little kinder. If she had been in a more equal timeline. It’s selfish, but they’re just daydreams. They can’t hurt anyone.

A life where there were no Cardassians, no one to cause Chakotay to join the Maquis, where she meets him… at a Starfleet Banquet, perhaps. Or, no, he’s not the type, and really neither is she. Maybe as two cooperating Starfleet Captains on a mission of diplomacy. He would act a little too brashly, upset by some past injustice by people now desperate to join the Federation, and she would grab his arm to steady him, and smile at him to set him at ease, and they wouldn’t even be half as interested in the alien ambassadors as they were in each other…

Or they’re cadets at the academy together, and Chakotay is full of vim and Kathryn is full of vinegar and the callowness of their youth lights them both on fire as they verbally spar across the lecture hall. One day they’re on a run together, or studying together, or spending a miserable lonely holiday break on campus together (because she saw his face crumple when he realized he couldn’t go back home, she called her mother and said _‘No I need to stay,’_ ), and sniping back and forth over things that won’t matter in ten years, and suddenly she just grabs him and kisses him, with all the passion she wanted to feel when she was eighteen and foolish…

But of course that brings questions of who she would be if she hadn’t met Justin, hadn’t suffered such a loss. A different person entirely. And no Cardassians brings complications involving war and peace that Kathryn can’t even begin to answer. Ultimately, she has to go back to the answer given in her Temporal Mechanics class all those years ago. No matter what you stand to gain from a change to the time stream, there is always the risk that you will lose so, so much more. Kathryn would give up in a heartbeat ever knowing Chakotay if it meant she could get her crew home. But she’s so glad she will never have to.

+++++++++++++++++

 “A vessel is approaching off the port bow, Captain.”

Tuvok said the words casually, even for a Vulcan. The day had been going slowly, the talk of the new astrometrics lab causing little bursts of excitement, as any change around _Voyager_ was bound to do. They were out of focus, relaxed. There was no reason for the sudden surge of panic in Kathryn’s heart, or the sweatiness of her palms. It was like she had just woken up from a nightmare and slammed back into reality, afraid of shadows while safe in her bed.

“Onscreen,” she said, snapping to attention as quickly as she could. She steadied herself as a wave of déjà vu washed over her, the moment disturbingly familiar. But then again, how many times had she said those exact words on the bridge before? Already she was prepared for any direction this could go – friend or foe, fight or flee – not due to some vague sense of déjà vu, but because of hard-earned experience. That’s all this could be.

“They’re hailing us.”

Kathryn could hear the same self-consciousness in Tom’s voice at the helm. A hesitance, a question on the tip of his tongue. Something wasn’t right.

“Open a channel.”

The man who appeared onscreen was someone Kathryn swore she had met, but knew she’d never come across. Like stoic faces in old black and white photos – never someone you actually knew, but so consistent in their appearance and demeanor that you became convinced you’d seen them somewhere before. Or else that everyone in the past secretly had the same face. The red uniform did little to take the edge off, as being greeted by military or police was never ideal. That voice in her head sounded off, _‘this man is your enemy,_ ’ and Kathryn immediately chastised herself. She didn’t know him from Adam, there was no reason to set herself up for a loss here, and make an enemy off the bat.

“You’ve entered Krenim space.” His voice was firm but polite, and Kathryn felt her hackles immediately rise. “State your identity.”

“Kathryn Janeway of the Starship _Voyager_. We’re just passing through, trying to get home.” And how many times had she said that exact sentence across the Delta Quadrant? One thousand? Two thousand? No matter how many times they found themselves taken advantage of because of it, she couldn’t stop. Couldn’t portray _Voyager_ as anything else than it was – lost, and looking for a way back. Why should this be anything different? She cast a look at Chakotay, who was caught up in it, too – the strange current buzzing around the bridge. His glance at her said everything – _‘be careful’._

“This region is in dispute, I suggest you avoid our territory.” A downright friendly response, given the circumstances.

“Thanks for the warning,” Kathryn replied, some of the immediate panic starting to die down as her brain processed this new information.

“Good journey.” The man offered what might pass for a smile in this section of the Delta Quadrant, and then winked off the screen.

For a moment everyone had turned their eyes onto Kathryn, awaiting her orders, and she felt the same old weight of responsibility settle across her shoulders. A warning didn’t mean anything to Captain Janeway if she felt she had to ignore it. The crew knew this, and they were prepared. Their fates were in her hands, and they trusted her to make the right decision, so that was what she was going to do. In truth she had been determined to cut through this section of space earlier, it would shave at least a couple weeks off of their journey, but that jolt of fear stayed with her, alive and wired to her heart.

Something was wrong with Krenim space, and whatever it was, _Voyager_ did not need to find out. Kathryn was sure of this.

“Tom, plot a course around Krenim space.”

She had been so preoccupied with her own worry, that she hadn’t realized how tense the atmosphere was until everyone else let out a tiny sigh of relief, muscles relaxing visibly under their Starfleet uniforms. The certainty that she had just avoided something terrible, even if Kathryn didn’t know what, was strong, and she felt a wave of relief rush over her leaving her weak in the legs. She sat down heavily, but managed a weary smile in Chakotay’s direction, who returned it after only a moment’s pause.

 “So what do you think, how about a ground breaking ceremony for our new lab?” He asked, bringing some levity back to the bridge. Kathryn hadn’t even remembered what they were talking about before, but she gratefully accepted the assist to put them all back on the right track.

“I think I’ll replicate a bottle of centimillion for the occasion. 2370, I hear that was a good year.”

Kathryn laughed, the crew laughed, and for a moment it seemed like they could all forget the darkness that had come over them only a moment before. She noticed Tom maybe giving it a larger birth than necessary, but her heart was still beating hard, and Kathryn had learned to regard any anomaly out in the Delta Quadrant with suspicion over the last few years. She didn’t rebuke him.

“Captain?” Chakotay asked a few minutes later, after the crew had gone back to chatting about all the things they could accomplish in the new lab, and all the snacks they would replicate for the party. His voice was low as he leaned in with concern across the gap between the two command chairs. He looked worried… no, he looked upset with her – had he wanted to cut through Krenim space after all? Had Kathryn imagined his reaction earlier that seemed to so mirror her own? “Are you alright?”

“Am I—?”

“You’re crying.” He reached out briefly, a half-conscious movement of comfort intended, but didn’t touch her, letting his hand linger uselessly in the air.

The tears continued to flow freely as Kathryn put her fingers to her face. She felt the wetness on her cheeks, and the finally registered the puffiness of her eyes and the sorrow in her heart. Or was it joy? She didn’t know. She felt tired, confused, and overwhelmed. She had been right before, something was not right with Krenim space. But now it was causing problems.

“You have the bridge,” Kathryn said as she stood up abruptly and walked towards the turbolift. “I’ll be in the Med Bay.”

++++

“Well, Captain, if I hadn’t inoculated the whole crew against it, you’d all be in serious trouble with the amount of chroniton radiation you’re exhibiting…” The Doctor said as he peered at the results on the tricorder. “If only Kes were still here to thank her for the warning.”

Kathryn groaned.

“I thought Krenim sounded familiar… why couldn’t I remember?” Kathryn smacked her forehead in annoyance. It had only been a little over a year ago that Kes had _expressly_ warned them about Krenim space and chroniton radiation, making sure they were specifically prepared to deal with the aftermath. It was the only time in the past five years when Kathryn had felt truly prepared for anything out here.

The Doctor shrugged, still mildly annoyed that he was missing out on yet another group disease experience.

“You’re inoculated against the radiation… but I wouldn’t have the first idea how to stop the effects of the chonitons’ temporal displacement,” he paused and considered the problem for a second. “Not without some more reading and testing, at least. I’m sure I could figure something out eventually.”

Another spike of panic struck Kathryn, although this she was at least more or less sure was related to the situation at hand.

“Are you saying we may start to phase in and out of time, like Kes did? Doctor, I’m not sure you have until ‘eventually’ to—“

“No, no,” the Doctor interrupted. “Reviewing Kes’s logs on the incident now, I don’t believe that’s a risk. She was only affected once I put her into the bio-temporal chamber, which is not something we currently possess. Also, she wasn’t going in and out—“

“Doctor, now is not the time for pedantry. You don’t _believe?_ So you’re saying you don’t _know?_ ” Kathryn asked, her hand already reaching for her comm badge to sound the red alert. She could hear the pitch in her voice rising, the anger and the determination. It wasn’t the face she wanted to display right now, but it was all she seemed able to get out. She was _mad._

“Captain,” the Doctor held up a hand, “please, I’m trying to explain. The activity in your hippocampus and amygdala is… irregular to say the least. They’re still there, in your brain, and since you haven’t forgotten who or where you are in the past twenty minutes they’re more or less functioning. But with the chroniton radiation they’re… well I guess the only word I have for it is _fluctuating_. Sometimes they’re registering as temporally displaced. Or at least fragments of them are. Different fragments at different times, all coming from a different timeline.”

Time travel. Why did it have to be time travel? Kathryn was already closing her eyes in anticipation of a headache. The idea that a part of her own brain was coexisting in another timeline was too much to really focus on at one time, a problem so seemingly massive that if she viewed it all at once right now, she’d never know where to begin. She’d start with the basics.

“Doctor, is my crew in danger?”

The Doctor was silent for a rare moment, considering the results on the tricorder. Kathryn’s mind was spinning with the new information. If there was a problem with her hippocampus, it made sense that the name Krenim might not have tripped any alarms… but what did that mean for any other memories? If dangers were obscured, could they be trusted to go any farther through Space? Should she call a full-stop until the effects subsided? Would they ever subside?

“You have no other physical problems,” the Doctor’s voice pulled Kathryn out of her musings. She would have to remember to write down all of her questions for him to answer later. “And once again, I really don’t _believe_ that anyone is in danger of being whisked away to some other point on the timeline like Kes was. At the moment, it seems like your biggest problem is going to be, for lack of a better word… mood swings. Perhaps some more uncanny déjà vu as you experienced earlier, though so far I wouldn’t expect anything stronger than that concerning your memory. But if you do… make sure you tell me.” The Doctor looked up from his tricorder and smiled, an emotion so entirely misplaced in Kathryn’s opinion she almost wondered if holograms weren’t immune to chroniton radiation after all. “All in all, not too bad of an escape I’d say. Better than what poor Kes had to suffer through.”

This was, of course, the perfect moment for the Med Bay doors to bust open with Chell and Nicoletti. Chell was shivering so hard Kathryn was afraid he might vibrate through the floor, and Nicoletti was sobbing uncontrollably, much harder than Kathryn’s few tears had been earlier.

“We… we can’t stop,” she choked out, and with a sigh The Doctor beckoned them forward.

 _“Captain,”_ That was Neelix over the comm _“A fight between Gerron and Jarvin has broken out in in the mess hall. It’s been broken up – where should they report for discipline?”_

“Have them report to the Med Bay, Mr. Neelix. You were saying, Doctor?” Kathryn asked as she pushed herself off of the exam table. The Doctor only rolled his eyes. “Send a report to my PADD, I’ll go brief the senior staff. If everyone keeps crying this much, we’re going to need to replicate a lot more boxes of tissues.”

++++++++++++++++++++++

For all that Kathryn didn’t like time travel or any mess with the temporal prime directive, knowing there was scientific reason – even if was only a loosely understood science – behind her emotions from earlier put her at ease. But it was an ease not very much shared by the senior staff at the moment. They were, at turns, irascible, upset, or flat out angry, making for a particularly unproductive meeting. Whatever timeline their brains were tapping into… it wasn’t a happy one.

“I don’t understand,” Tom said for the fifth time. “We fixed Kes. There was no torpedo that went off. Hell, we never even entered Krenim space, and I definitely don’t intend to in the future… you can lock me in the brig before I do that.” He shook his head, irritated. He’d been snappish the whole meeting, even with B’Elanna. “So what gives? I mean, what the hell is going on?!”

“Most likely” said Seven, “we simply weren’t the first iteration of ourselves to come across Krenim space.”

She wasn’t acting too differently, Kathryn noticed, compared to the others at least. She would have to send Seven to be looked at by The Doctor after the meeting, perhaps her nanoprobes were having a negating effect on the chronitons. Maybe it could help them recover faster.

“You’re saying that there was another _Voyager_ who did explode the torpedo, and we’re the second chance?” Harry seemed despondent, bordering on confused, but was probably the most agreeable of the group currently gathered around the meeting table.

“There’s no reason to assume we were the second, we could be the third or later,” Seven replied, and it was not a response that brought comfort to the crew. Tom looked ill.

“According to the Doctor, our amygdala’s are fluctuating in temporal displacement… he’s not sure yet, but believes we’re probably receiving impressions from that other timeline. Emotions, déjà vu, but nothing too serious, he said.” Kathryn did not mention how serious she thought the situation might be, or how uncomfortable she was with the inability to gauge the sincerity of her emotions at any time, but her white knuckling the table probably spoke for itself.

“So what are we supposed to do?” Chakotay’s tone was clipped and short, far from the worry he had been displaying earlier. Kathryn wondered if he was more annoyed at the situation(s?), or if his inability to meet her eyes meant it was a problem specifically to do with her… past or present.

Based on the pangs of guilt she was feeling whenever she looked at him, she was guessing the former.

“I’ve just received the Doctor’s latest update, and he believes that the effects should wear off with either time or distance. He’s not able to be particularly specific at the moment as to which. Helpful, I know.”

“Well, why not try both?” Neelix asked, his nails drumming a bit on the table in what Kathryn could only assume was anxiety. “Let’s just go, there’s bound to be friendlier skies elsewhere. Punch us into warp and I’ll, uh, whip up a big chocolate cake for the crew in celebration of the astrometrics lab.”

“Mr. Neelix, if we go forward in our current state, we risk being governed by a life we never led, and decisions we cannot understand.” If Tuvok weren’t Kathryn’s best friend, she might think he was reacting similarly to Seven. But she could see from the wrinkle in his forehead that he was what passed for apprehensive on Vulcan. He moved with a cautiousness that was unlike him, who always made sure of his opinions and decisions before acting on them. “Our decisions may not be beneficial to the crew, and may in fact land us in a worse predicament than we are in currently, as they will be inherently irrational.”

“That’s true, Tuvok, and it’s a possibility that I have been considering since leaving the Med Bay.” Kathryn took a deep breath. “But it’s also a risk I believe we can take. I don’t like being confused about what I’m feeling any more than the rest of you,” she said, holding up a hand to preempt the argument she could see was brewing in B’elanna. “But I trust you all to act with thoughtfulness and distinction no matter what timeline you’re in. We will go forward, and time or distance will solve this for us. All in all, it’s certainly far from the worst problem we’ve ever head,” she said with a chuckle, the Doctor’s words appearing much more rational in retrospect.

That reminder seemed to ease off some of the tension, and she was gratified to see smiles break out across the faces of her senior staff around the table as they remembered some of their more harrowing escapes. Except for Chakotay, who had his mouth pinched into a frown as he stared at anything but Kathryn.

“I’ll give instructions to my security officers to be on the lookout for any unusual behavior that seems particularly destructive,” Tuvok said as he rose. “Please keep an eye on your teams, and report to me if you believe you have an impending security threat.”

“I’m a little worried Joe might cry himself to death, but otherwise I don’t think I’ll have to bother you,” B’elanna said as she began to leave.

With that the senior officers pushed away from the table and got up to leave, all while casting surreptitious glances at each other. They had all realized by now, by the dull heartache they felt and the tears that would come unbidden to their eyes, that not all of them had made it in this other timeline they escaped. There was just no other possible meaning for the emotions they were feeling right now.

“Chakotay,” Kathryn called as the rest of them filed out the door. “Please stay for a moment.” She felt uncharacteristically hesitant as she asked him to stay – a request rather than an order. But despite whatever negativity his brain was being flooded with, Chakotay stopped and after a weighted pause he turned around to face her.

The emotion in his dark eyes as they met hers was intense, almost frightening. Anger, but pain, too. Loss and frustration. Kathryn reached out automatically in comfort and then stopped, mimicking his gesture from earlier.

“Chakotay, I think you’re angry with me, and I need to know if it’s because of our current timeline or… that other one. The failed one, I think I’m right in calling it.”

“You don’t know that.” Even now his first response was to reassure her. Kathryn couldn’t stop a bitter laugh from escaping.

“We clearly had to restart the timeline somehow… I can’t imagine we did that because we were all having such a fabulous experience in Krenim space. Looking over Kes’s report, she called it the Year of Hell.”

Chakotay looked like he wanted to argue, but he paused for a moment and swallowed it before nodding in agreement. Still he didn’t move or speak, and Kathryn waited patiently for him to find the words. She knew what he was doing because she’d been doing it all day, too – sorting through emotions and thoughts and half-remembered whispered voices, all to get to the bottom of his own mind.

 “I am angry, but that’s a familiar enough emotion to me, Kathryn. I know anger without principle, or justice is dangerous, and without any memories, without any reasoning… it is just nothingness, I believe, that’s controlling us. I won’t give into that.” He paused again, his brow furrowed in frustration, his hands clenched at his sides.

It was a look familiar to Kathryn, appearing any time they found themselves in an argument. Sometimes she thought about grabbing those clenched fists and threading her fingers with his. She’s not sure it would actually fix the problem, however, probably just create more.

The prospective disappointment of her alternate self and the possible arguments they could have had in that other timeline sat heavy in Kathryn’s heart. Without any knowledge or context of what the arguments could even be about, Kathryn was able to see just how harmful it could be when problems came between them.

“I’m… I’m not avoiding you because I’m angry with you,” Chakotay spoke again, drawing Kathryn’s eyes from his hands back to his face. Gone was the anger, and in its place was just heartbreak, pure and simple. “I’m avoiding you because when I look at you, all I can think is ‘she’s gone’. I don’t know what happened to cause that thought, I don’t know what we did in that other timeline, what we might have sacrificed, but I’m…” His voice was tight, and he seemed to think better of whatever he was about to say, cutting himself off at the last moment. “Well, it’s not an emotion that’s easy to overcome. But I’m trying. I know this will pass.”

He finally smiled, a small one making no use of his dimples, but it was something. Kathryn would take the win.

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I’ll admit, when I look at you I feel similarly. Guilt, loss…” Kathryn shook her head, trying to clear out the emotions swirling around. “It’s not easy, but we’ll be fine. As you said, this will pass.”

The two shared another moment of silence together, and it was just left of comfortable. Kathryn felt like she was supposed to do something, say something, but for the life of her she couldn’t think of what it was. Finally Chakotay excused himself back to the bridge. Kathryn ignored the little voice in her head that said to grab him and never let him go.

++++++++++++++++++++++

The dreams started that night.

They were a mess of indistinct people and hallways. Burned crew faces and tattered Star Fleet uniforms. The feeling of utter loss as the evacuation pods fled from the ship into unknown recesses of space. The certainty of her fate right as the hull of _Voyager_ made contact and the metal screamed as it was ripped apart and—

Kathryn sat up with a jolt, sweat beaded on her forehead as she tried to calm her breathing. She understood now, what Chakotay must have been reacting to earlier. She knew what she had done, what he had likely in some way witnessed, or at least understood it in a general sense.

“That was not déjà vu…” she murmured, and was hardly surprised when he comm chimed a second later.

_“Doctor to the Captain.”_

“Here, Doctor. Let me guess… the Med Bay is gaining some visitors with bad dreams.”

_“…Yes. It seems I was wrong about the exact severity of the memory transfers. Without any crisis counselors on board… Captain, could you please report to the Med Bay?”_

“On my way.”

Kathryn was joined in the hallway by Tom and B’Elanna, furious and red-eyed, respectively.

“You, too, huh?” Tom asked, and the answer must have been written on Kathryn’s face because he continued without waiting for an answer. “The Doc already admitted to being wrong, so that was nice to hear for once at least.” B’Elanna’s hand was clutched tightly in his, but for once she seemed reluctant to dislodge it in front of their captain.

“Any comfort in a storm…” B’Elanna said, her tone making it clear that it really wasn’t much of a comfort. “What are we supposed to do if we can’t even sleep? You said you trusted us, but what’s there to trust if I’m so tired I can’t see straight?”

Kathryn did not have an answer for her yet. She was still working on it herself.

In the Med Bay was a veritable pajama party, if pajama parties were very, very sad. Chakotay was already there, and given his proximity to Kathryn’s own room she wondered if he had been one of the first to wake up from the nightmares. Or, not nightmares… memories. When Kathryn caught his eye he looked startled, but only for a moment.

“To be honest,” he said once he made his way over to her, “I’m not really sure what the Doctor can do besides hand out sleep aids to everyone… which, I know, aren’t technically regulation when you’re on active alert.”

“And we’re always on active alert out here,” Kathryn sighed. “Who knew escaping one crisis would just give us another?” She flinched at her own words – it felt insensitive to compare a lack of sleep and some borrowed memories with actual lived trauma, but Chakotay didn’t seem to have noticed.

“Out of the frying pan and into the fire is what my dad would always say.”

He was leaning into her slightly, his smell familiar and his mass a warm comfort at Kathryn’s side. She wanted to relax into him, into the knowledge that he was there with her and they were handling this together, but anytime she started to that old wave of fear and guilty washed over her again. She kept her distance.

“Captain!” The Doctor had noticed her shortly after Chakotay, but had been stopped by patients along the way across the room. “I assume the Commander has filled you in by now? About my suggestion?”

“Suggestion?” Kathryn raised her eyebrows at the two men. “I hadn’t realized he was serious. Sleep aids? For the whole crew? Doctor, are you any closer to figuring out a better solution? Have Seven’s nanoprobes had any effect?”

“No, they haven’t. Seven’s Borg implants have allowed her to largely escape from this unscathed, but it’s because of the way they interface with her hippocampus. So unless you would like us to work on making this ship part of the Borg collective…”

“I understand. Well, at least we’ll have one more fully functioning crew member on board.”

“As for the sleep aids, yes, Commander Chakotay was serious.”

“Well, sort of,” Chakotay said, tugging lightly on an ear. “It wouldn’t be everyone at once.”

“No, we’d do them in shifts. It would disadvantage us in the case of a red-alert, but it is my recommendation that it would be to the benefit of the overall mental health of the crew. Because of the power of the unconscious mind during sleep, I believe any time you try to go to bed unaltered… this will be the result. I am suggesting we do this, Captain.”

“And I support him.” Chakotay wasn’t defiant, but he was certain. “I think everyone needs a break, or we’re all going to crack.” He was watching Kathryn carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. It wasn’t the biggest decision they had made as a command team, and normally Kathryn didn’t think it would call for such caution on his part, but nothing about the day had been normal.

Kathryn looked at her crew as more people filed in. It felt silly to say that a bunch of grown adults crying in their pajamas with no physical ailments were suffering, but she knew that they were. Their eyes were dark, hollow, their shoulders were drawn tight. Some of them were looking back at her with desperation. In her mind she saw the same faces boarding escape shuttles as _Voyager_ fell down around them. Did they know how she had gotten them all home? Did they know that she had failed them the first time?

 “Okay,” Kathryn said, and she saw Chakotay slump slightly with relief. The Doctor beamed. “Doctor, work with Chakotay to figure out a medication schedule. Base it off gamma shift rotation, but pare it down… we do need as many able-bodied people as we can afford while we’re still this close to Krenim space.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“We’ll get to work right away.” The Doctor took off across the Med Bay then, checking on people as he went, but Chakotay hung back for a second, still staring at Kathryn. She thought she saw some of the same desperation in his eyes as she had the crew, like he couldn’t believe she of all people was standing in front of him. She couldn’t believe it either, really.

“You better get to work, Commander. Like you said, these people need a break from themselves.”

“And what will you be doing?” He asked.

“Saving my crew from themselves in the meantime.”

++++++++++++++++++++++

Kathryn let out a groan as she flopped onto the couch in her ready room, rubbing her fingers against her temples.

“Computer, time?”

_“The time is oh seven hundred.”_

She had been up the whole night, then.

“Set an alarm for seven-thirty, in case I fell asleep.”

She’d have to be on the bridge in less than an hour. Kathryn let out another groan and shut her eyes tight, tucking her feet under herself and curling up against the arm of the couch.

But it had been worth it. If she couldn’t save her crew the first time, if she couldn’t save _Voyager_ , she could at least do her best now. Even if that just meant being an open ear to their tragedies. So she had gone crewman to crewman, room to room, deck to deck, speaking with anyone who wanted to say something to her.

Some had yelled, angry that they hadn’t known better in the other timeline despite Kes’s warning. Angrier that they did know better now, somehow. Some had cried, then thanked her, and then cried again in relief, just happy to be safe and at home. Some hadn’t wanted to say anything, thanks all the same. Kathryn respected that – she hadn’t been forthcoming about her own last moments with anyone.

It was funny that she couldn’t remember her actual death, she just had the view of an incoming collision, the knowledge that the end was unstoppable, and the hope that somehow, someway, this would send them all home again.

Thank god she had been right. She shuddered at the thought of _Voyager_ ’s crew spread out across the Delta quadrant, waiting for a captain who would never come rescue them. In a way, she supposed they were still out there – just in a reality she would never know.

The door chimed then, and Kathryn knew it could only be one person.

“Come in,” she responded, and sure enough it opened to reveal Chakotay, now changed into his uniform with a PADD in his hand.

“I heard you’ve been rather social tonight, Kathryn.” He was at the couch in just a few long strides, dropping the PADD with the medication schedule down in front of her. “Talking to every available crewmember in just four hours?”

Kathryn groaned again and stretched before reaching down for the PADD.

“I hope you still have time for one more,” he said quietly, hovering awkward by the couch. Kathryn looked up in surprise, after his inability to talk about it earlier, she really hadn’t expected Chakotay to ask for such a confession.

“Oh, Chakotay, of course. Please sit down and tell me anything that’s on your mind.”

“I wasn’t talking about myself,” Chakotay responded, sitting gingerly on the opposite die of the couch.

“Hm? Who, then? Did Naomi Wildman wake up? I told Sam to let her know that if she needed anyth—“

Kathryn was cut-off by a gentle hand on her arm. Chakotay’s eyes were looking at her full of the concern he had shown the day before at the command consul.

“Kathryn, I’m talking about you.”

She didn’t what to say. What was there even to say? Chakotay was probably the only person on this she who knew what had happened almost as well as she did. As if he read her mind, the hand on her arm started to tremble.

“Are you sure I can’t interest you in your own unburdening, Chakotay?” He started to draw back, but she reached out and took his shaking hand, holding it between her own. “You don’t have to speak about it. I know I don’t want to. We... I… I failed this crew. There is a version of us where no one made it home. That haunts me much more than any of the specifics.”

“Really? I can’t get over the specifics. The smells that keep invading my nose, the screams I sometimes can hear in the background, the…” Chakotay broke off. He was tired, having been up just as long as she had. Kathryn was sure she had dark circles under her eyes to mirror his. Quite the matching set, they made. “I lied before to you. I was angry, but I didn’t know why. Now I do. I was angry because I lost you. Because we lost everything, of course. But also because I lost you. And I was mad at you for that. Mad at the universe,  I guess.”

“I understand, but I hope you know I’d do it again if it meant saving them.”

 Chakotay nodded, and laced his fingers with hers.

“I know, I know you, Kathryn.” Kathryn shifted so they were seated side by side on the couch, their clasped hands between them. It felt good, it felt real. But was it?

“But what is the real me right now?”

“I know that, whatever was happening to us in Krenim space, you would have put the crew before yourself. I know that depth of the sacrifices you would have made. Did make. I know telling you it wasn’t all your fault isn’t going to make you agree with me,” he acknowledged, “but I hope it helps you to know that, whatever happened between us in that other timeline… I don’t blame you. Not now or then. Not for anything.” He seemed to consider his words for a moment. “Not this time, anyway. I’m still holding those fifty credits I lost at pool against you. Hustling is cheating, you know.”

He leaned over and cracked a smile, his thumb rubbing gently against her own, trying to calm them both down. He was… sometimes he was too good to her. She didn’t deserve it.

“I think neither of us is against breaking the rules when it matters…” Kathryn started, and before she even knew what she was doing she leaned in and kissed him. Compelled by a life she had never led.

It wasn’t a happy kiss, or a passionate kiss. It was a kiss goodbye, one last hurrah. One great apology. It was not, Kathryn was pretty sure, a kiss between the two people who were currently sitting in this room, but rather between two souls in a time lost to them.

As she pulled away Chakotay tried to follow the kiss, her hand still held fiercely in his own.

“Don’t go away,” he whispered, his forehead resting against her own, eyes still closed. “Not again.”

“Chakotay…” Kathryn pulled further back, and shook her head. “That wasn’t me. I mean, it wasn’t me-me. It was her. It was then. She was… sorry for something. Sorry for all of it, I guess.”

“Are you telling me that somewhere between us reaching Krenim space yesterday, and right now, you’ve had some major changes of heart regarding me?” Chakotay asked, a little more playfully than Kathryn would like. “Because, as I understand it, Kathryn – they are us. That’s the whole problem. That’s why it hurt so much. Losing her was losing you.”

He leaned back in to kiss her, and Kathryn didn’t stop him. She couldn’t. She was tired and sad from a night spent reliving past terrors, but she was also so damn relieved and happy to have him alive and in her arms that she was helpless. She wanted to say she was sorry, she hadn’t meant to push him away before, but she didn’t know what that meant. More words just appearing in her head. So she focused on the concrete.

That she was attracted to him had never been a question, but it had been insignificant at first, a detail she had filed away the first time his face popped up on the view screen along with several other first-minute observations.

_He has nice eyes. He has a full crew behind him, they won’t be easy to handle._

_His shoulders are broad. He is not to be treated lightly, or we’ll lose them._

The attraction Kathryn felt had, of course, become a much more prominent and pressing concern once they were not only living on the same starship together 70,000 light years away from home, but sitting next to each other in matching command chairs. Once she had learned to look for tension in his shoulders, and kept her ear open for the exact timbre of his voice down the corridors of _Voyager_ , she knew she might be in a little bit of trouble.

She was aware that he knew. He’d caught her looking more than once, imagining… but it still hadn’t been important then, not really, not when she’d caught him doing the same. After all, it wasn’t a crime to think, or to dream. She supposed it was only a matter of time before he figured out the rest of the equation. Or at least part of it.

As they kissed, his mouth warm and pliant above hers, she sank farther and farther down onto the couch, drowsiness warring against the excitement rising within her. But there was still doubt at the back of her mind, and a feeling that while this was more than consensual, it was still being done under duress. It wasn’t quite real.

“We need to stop,” she murmured.

“You need to go to bed,” Chakotay agreed, but Kathryn shook her head, willing herself to wake up a bit. She couldn’t ignore how good it felt, as his lips traced their way down her neck, but this couldn’t happen right now. Not like this. She raised a hand to his chest to push him back lightly, but as she did she felt the flash of pain remembered in her brain, the spike of fear and tragedy, and from his sharp intake of breath and the way he jumped back from her, she knew he had felt the same thing.

“We need to stop,” Kathryn said again. Breathing hard, Chakotay shut his eyes and nodded. “No matter what our feelings may be, I don’t think either of us intended to start kissing in my ready room twenty-four hours ago.”

“And the thing that changed that also just made my heart rate spike to one-fifty. You’re right. We’re not really ourselves right now.” Chakotay opened his eyes and looked down at where their hands were still clasped.

“Tell me I’m right again. I want to savor the memory for next time.”

“Really, I should say that we’re not really in _control_ of ourselves.” He chuckled, but then his eyes grew serious. “It’s still you that I lost. I don’t want to do that again.”

“You won’t have to if I can help it, but--“ any further discussion between the two of them was interrupted by Kathryn’s alarm. They both jumped slightly, and then laughed at themselves for being so startled.

It felt good to laugh. It felt good to see him smile. It felt good to stare at his lips without worrying that he and the entire ship would notice. Kathryn couldn’t believe that all of that had passed between them in the last thirty minutes.

“I’m not planning on dying anytime soon, but I do need to get to the bridge.” She started to get up, but Chakotay put the PADD back into her hands.

“Well, Captain, I’m not sure you gave the list of first round sleep aid users a real look. You might find something interesting there.”

Kathryn knew without looking after that that her name would be at the top of the list, and sure enough there it was. She knew Chakotay pretty well, too. She was more surprised to find his listed next.

“You have both members of the command team on the same schedule?”

“Only for the first round. Tuvok managed to meditate through the night, and agreed to take command of the bridge. He’s probably the most mentally competent officer onboard _Voyager_ at the moment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it’s the wisest move to have a command team that’s completely delirious making decisions for an entire crew.”

He did have a point.                                                        

“You do have a point,” Kathryn agreed. She could hardly keep her eyes open. Chakotay put the sleep aid, a small hypo, on the table next to her. She picked it up and spun it around in her fingers. “Once we’re… safe… we can try to have this conversation again.”

“I would like that.” He smiled, but made no move to get up and leave, his broad shoulders resting comfortably against the back of her couch.

“Are you waiting to make sure I actually take the aid?”

“Maybe.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes and pointedly injected herself with the hypo. The unfinished conversation between the two of them loomed in the future, but it was something Kathryn would deal with when the time came. She wasn’t interested in dealing with tomorrow’s problems. Not until yesterday finally left them.

“Goodnight, Chakotay,” she called as she stumbled back to her bed, the sleep aid already starting to overcome her. She collapsed on the bed without bothering to get under the covers, and thought she could hear Chakotay whisper a low goodbye before she entered into a dark, dreamless sleep, that was finally free of heartbreak.

++++++++++++++++++++++

It took three more days of constant travel before the effects of the chroniton radiation finally began to wear off, and another day and a half before the majority of the crew were exhibiting no symptoms. Kathryn had been worried about recurring symptoms common with PTSD, which the entire crew had gotten a crash course in over the past week, but as the radiation faded, so did the memories almost entirely. They were left with basic knowledge and impressions, but none of the driving emotion that had so possessed them earlier.

It was almost a little lonely. Like a friend had left, never to return. The other timeline had been abandoned to its fate.

But overall they were happy, and with Neelix’s assurances and promise of a chocolate cake, the astrometrics party proceeded as originally planned. The crew was happy to have an excuse to celebrate something, to try and stamp out the last embers of half memories of a ship torn apart by torpedoes in Krenim space.

Kathryn’s promised bottle of red wine sat in a place of honor at the refreshments table – she was a woman true to her word. She had a glass in her hands, and the full, earthy taste of it in her mouth was a pleasure she held onto tightly even as she wondered if between the wine and the chocolate cake, the replicator rations had been too much to spare just for a party. But it was a thought that quickly fled when faced with the smiles of her crew.

“I’m very proud of you, Seven,” she said as she cut a piece of cake for the other woman. Seven took the offered treat with her usual stiffness, but Kathryn thought she could see a hint of self-pride in her own eyes. “You’ve done a wonderful job here.”

“I plan for the lab to be very beneficial to _Voyager_ in the coming years. I believe it may be a place where I may find my true purpose as a member of this crew.”

“I’m excited for the future it may bring you,” Kathryn gave Seven’s arm a fond pat before moving on to make small talk with other crewmembers. Everyone seemed to have something they wanted to say to their captain. Some pleasant greetings, some congratulations for the new lab, and occasionally some rather embarrassing gratitude for avoiding Krenim space.

She could see Chakotay across the room, laughing with Harry Kim and Lydia Anderson. They hadn’t spoken about the kiss since it happened. In part this was because of their previous agreement to wait out the effects of the radiation, but mostly it was because they had both just been so busy handling a crew that was crying one moment and yelling the next. Tonight, she decided, they would talk.

She knew what she was going to say.

She didn’t dare go over to him. Since the kiss the physical space between them had seemed to buzz with electricity. She was nervous in a way she never had been before, self-conscious of every movement, every thrown away smile. She knew now, what they could be together.

“You know,” B’Elanna said as she sidled up to Kathryn, glass of wine in her hand. “At first when you said this wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to us, I was so angry. I felt, I mean I _knew_ that this was the worst thing we had ever experienced. How could it not be? But that was… that was just the other me… who really had experienced the worst the Delta quadrant had to offer.” She shook her head and took a sip of wine, lost a little in what remained of the alternate memories. “And we made it through like we always do.”

“Like we always will,” Kathryn said, and clinked her glass against B’Elanna’s. “I said I could trust you all, and I meant it. We were never in any mortal danger, but I’m still proud of you. The B’Elanna I met five years ago would never have let either Delaney sister cry on her shoulder like that, let alone both at the same time.”

“It’s a little different when you can remember how each other them died…” B’Elanna muttered, and Kathryn almost apologized for the reminder before B’Elanna spoke again. “But it makes seeing them out on the dance floor tonight that much better. I’m not… happy this happened to us. These last few days… well emotionally, they might have been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through. But… it’s not bad after five years to be reminded to appreciate your crewmates a little. Especially with how often we can get on each other’s nerves.”

“It’s not…” Kathryn agreed, her eyes wandering back to Chakotay. This time he noticed her gaze, and sent a smile back at her – dimples full and showing now. Yes, tonight. They had to talk.

He seemed to have been having the same thought, because as the party was winding down he appeared at her side and offered her his arm.

“Let me walk you back? It’s on my way.”

“Of course.”

Kathryn placed her arm gingerly in his, and couldn’t help thinking about holding that hand in her own a few days ago, about how it felt to be held in his arms. About how knowledge was a threshold you could never come back from. She wondered if he was having the same thoughts. She wondered what he believed would happen once they got to the end of the hallway.

They stopped outside her doorway, right next to his, lingering for a few moments in silence, neither able to quite get the words out.

“Would you—“

“Can I—“

They both spoke at once, and then broke off into laughter. Kathryn felt the tension between them ease a little bit. Laughter always did that for them, she’d have to remember to do it more often.

“Please,” Kathryn said, “come in.”

Soon they were both seated on Kathryn’s couch, just like they had been days earlier. Only now Kathryn was thinking and feeling clearly, and so was Chakotay.

“Before you say anything,” Chakotay started, “before we talk, before we discuss or cry or shout, I just want to kiss you. I just want to know what it’s like, when the only feelings in my heart are my own. Please.”

“Okay.”

Kathryn heard her voice before she even processed what she was saying, and was so surprised by her response she wondered if she had been completely cleared of the chroniton radiation after all. But she knew she just wanted to kiss him one last time.

Chakotay looked equally surprised, but he took it in stride a smile growing in relief, and then fading away as Chakotay leaned in closer. Kathryn’s eyes closed in anticipation, and the only indication of how close he was was the puff of breath upon her face before their lips met.

It was supposed to be chaste, Kathryn was pretty sure. An experiment, a consolation prize maybe. But just like last time, it couldn’t stay that way, and soon they were trading ragged, open-mouth kisses. Too much tongue here, too much lips there, and then finally perfect perfect perfect as they learned how the other moved, how the other breathed, how the other loved.

Kathryn was happy enough that she knew she had to put a stop to it. This was not the talk she had intended to have. This wasn’t a talk at all.

She pulled back, and left the two of them breathing heavily. Chakotay stared at her mouth, bruised red she was sure, for a long moment before looking up and into her eyes.

“Before I lose the nerve, I just want to say that I love you. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear… you don’t even have to say it back. But I want you to know it. In case you… or I… It just had to be said.”

That she loved him back seemed obvious to Kathryn, it was a rule as fixed in the universe as the constant of gravity, or the speed of light. It wasn’t a battle she fought with herself, not anymore. The feelings had taken root years ago, had grown from her heart in between the memories of his hands in hers, warmed by the sun in his smiles, watered by the trust in his eyes. If she was worried about the crew finding out, it was only because she couldn’t understand how she could ever hide it – this great, immovable thing that her world seemed occasionally to pivot on.

But she had to do her best. They were still so far from home.

“I can’t be with you, Chakotay.”

“Kathryn,” he started, but she held up her hand, asking for the chance to be able to speak.

“I can’t. And it’s not because of regulations, or because the crew might look at me funny. There’s no Federation looking over our shoulder right now. In fact I wish that’s a problem we did have, and at this point I believe that our crew trusts me to act in their best interests.”

“You always do,” Chakotay intoned, and they both ignored the times when he wasn’t sure that was true while Kathryn plunged on ahead, the failure they both knew had happened.

“I don’t know exactly what passed between us in the other timeline. We’ll never know, now. But I know that right here, and right now, we are in a worst-case scenario. Decades from home, in unfamiliar territory, with, as much as I hate to conceive of it this way, potential enemies and dangers in every direction. I…” Kathryn took a shaky breath, and let it back out. “I have sat in that captain’s chair for… far longer than I expected to. If I’m going to keep doing that, if I’m going to get us all home, I’m going to need your support. This week reminded me that no matter what, I have to get us all home. There is no other option, and if we have to break time to do it, if I have to sacrifice myself to do it, then so be it.”

She took one breath and then another. That was as close to an admission of weakness – of sheer doubt and vulnerability – as she had ever allowed herself while serving as the captain of _Voyager_. If it were anyone but Chakotay, she wasn’t sure she would be able to make it through the sentence without turning it into something else – a gamble, maybe. But it was him, and even if she couldn’t look at him she could feel his presence across the couch, steady and uncompromising.

“I don’t need you to be my lover, I need you to be my rudder. I need you to help guide me against the currents, and the wind and the storms… and you can’t be both. Not out here. Not so far from home. Not when I can’t always see the way. When you disagree with me, you need to disagree with me wholly and without purchase. When you support me, you need to do so from your own heart, not out of consideration for mine. And maybe it won’t always work, and maybe I’ll steer us off course sometimes, but… we have to try.” Kathryn grabbed his hand, almost desperate. “We have to try,” she repeated, to convince herself as much as him. “What other choice do we have?”

“Okay.”

“No, you don’t understand. You—“ Kathryn stopped, she had so prepared for an argument, for a fight, she had launched into one without even giving Chakotay time for a response. “What did you say?”

“I said okay,” Chakotay repeated, “I understand.” At the warmth in his tone Kathryn looked up automatically, and finally looked him in the eyes. They were hungry, and dark, staring right back into hers. It was only years of command training that kept her from recoiling at the sheer physical emotion being directed at her right then, so different from how his eyes had regarded her on this couch the other day. None of the pain, or the loss. Just pure desire and love.

“That’s funny, you don’t look like you understand. Not when you’re staring at me like that.”

She kept her voice neutral, pleasant. Banter she could do, banter was safe. But her heart was pounding as Chakotay inched closer, his eyes never leaving hers while simultaneously feeling like they were darting all around her body. This wasn’t the reaction her little speech was supposed to have. If anything she thought it might with him storming out of there.

“I think maybe we’re attacking the same problem from two different angles,” Chakotay said, and he took another step closer. “We can both agree that there is something between us – something real, and something powerful.”

“I never said—“

“Don’t… Kathryn, please don’t argue with me on that one. Not when you were kissing me like that before.” She didn’t argue. What was the point anymore? “But you’re viewing it as a force – something inherent, inevitable, but perhaps preventable. I think what we have between us… it’s like fire. It’s alive,” His hand slowly grabbed onto hers, and his eyes were so dark she felt like she was about to tumble into them. “It’s gasping for air. I just want to give it…” And his face was so close, his lips grazing hers. “A breath.”

And then they were kissing again, open-mouthed and starving for the taste of each other. Kathryn felt like life was being breathed into her, and her hands were clutching onto the front of Chakotay’s uniform as he moved his down her sides, feeling and caressing. Even just kissing with their clothes on, the sheer physicality of it was overwhelming.

This time he was the one to break the kiss, and she was the one who chased after it for a moment, before she remembered herself.

“We’re doing less talking than I thought we would be,” she murmured, and Chakotay gave her a cheeky smile in response. “What exactly are you trying to convince me of? That I want you? I know that I want you. I know that you want me. But I meant what I said, I’m not going to have a relationship with you. Not this far from home.”

“I know that,” Chakotay said, his hands rubbing little circles across Kathryn’s back. “I’m not asking for a relationship. I’m asking for one night – one night to remember, to keep this flame live. I can wait as long as you want me to if I have that.”

He appeared earnest and sure, but then every man always did, Kathryn couldn’t help but think. She regarded Chakotay closely. The waiting game was a dangerous one, and not one she could or would hold him to. They had no idea what the future held, how many more years out in the Delta quadrant. It was a recipe for heartbreak.

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“Well, you can hardly stop me from taking a passive course of action, Captain.”

“I suppose I can’t… but I can stop myself from holding you to anything. I wouldn’t do that you.”

“And I would never ask you to. It’s something I want to do for myself. We’re all allowed to be a little selfish, sometimes.”

“If that’s your version of being selfish, I’d hate to see you being kind.” Kathryn said, because she was tired and it had been a long week and she could still feel his lips on hers and in the end he was right, she didn’t know how she would stop him from waiting for her. She could only uphold her end of the bargain and not expect anything from him. And she wanted him. “One night. Promise me.”

“One night,” Chakotay agreed, then he kissed her again.

There was no reason to stop kissing now other than a klaxon sounding, and Kathryn prayed that it wouldn’t. They moved together like one, every push meant with a pull, every caress met with a sigh. He was good at this, but that was no surprise. She had always imagined he would be. Every flick of his tongue, every movement of his lips felt weighted. It was if every moment he was trying to show her this matters, this matters, this matters. Of course it did.

There was little ceremony given to undressing, it felt much more important to just be naked and be able to feel and touch anything they felt like as they fell back upon the bed. Kathryn liked the breadth of his shoulders under he hands, the smoothness of his back and she ran her fingers down it. She liked the way he held her breasts, and the light touch of his teeth against her skin.

She liked everything far too much, it seemed.

“Do you feel good?” he asked, his gaze heated and heavy once he was inside of her. Kathryn almost laughed in response. Did she feel good? Of course she did.

“I feel wonderful. Do you?” The way she moved her hips against his elicited a groan that reverberated through her entire body.

“Wonderful is just one of the words I could come up with.” Slowly he began to move his hips in response, sparking pleasure to Kathryn’s core. “I feel elated. Transfigured. Delightful. Peaceful.” Kathryn dug her fingers into his arms, as a low moan felt like it was ripped from her body, no other way for the emotion to escape. “I…” Chakotay’s breathing stuttered, clearly close to the edge.

“You should feel loved,” Kathryn said quietly, “because you are,” and that was what did it. Chakotay lost himself in that moment, and so did she. They were allowed to be a little selfish, just for that one night, and take comfort in pleasure and love.

By the time she really came back to herself, Kathryn found herself wrapped up in Chakotay’s strong arms. There were worse timelines. Worst situations to fall asleep in. Worst people to love. And all of them were so far away right now. So she let herself close her eyes, and drift away.

(When they woke up an hour later, Kathryn let it happen all again, and again.)

++++

She woke up in the dark alone, and for a moment she swore she could smell burning metal, could hear the collapse of the hull around her, but only for a moment. Then it was just the usual hum of the warp engine, and the absence of Chakotay that surrounded her.

Kathryn knew they had agreed this wouldn’t become something between them… but she hadn’t quite expected him to just slip out in the middle of the night. How exactly was his waiting game played?

“Janeway to Chakotay.”

_“Sorry, Captain, didn’t expect you to wake up.”_

“Excuse me?”

 _“I mean, just… hold on.”_ She could hear the sheepishness in Chakotay’s voice, and could picture the blush rising to his cheeks. _“I’m on my way back, just slipped out to grab something.”_

The door opened then, and Chakotay walked through it quickly, shedding his uniform as he went so that by the time he reached Kathryn’s bed he was down to his underwear before crawling back under the covers with her. His body warmth filled the bed immediately, and Kathryn realized it was probably the prolonged loss of it that had woken her up. She didn’t know how she would ever fall asleep without it, now. But she’d have to try.

“Where did you go, to the Mess Hall for a midnight snack?” She was snuggling against him, she liked the way their bodies fit together, the way that his hand seemed to be the perfect size to rest on her hip, the simple way he dropped a kiss onto her forehead.

“I got you something,” he said.

“I think you already gave me enough tonight.”

“Just something small.” Chakotay held his hand up and let a silver pocket watch drop down. It was beautiful, clearly based on an original 19th century design, and Kathryn could hear the functioning analog design ticking away inside. She had never seen anything quite like it outside of a holonovel, and it took her breath away.

“Oh, Chakotay, it’s beautiful. You can’t have just replicated that tonight?” She asked in astonishment.

“No,” Chakotay let out a small laugh, “I started working on it a couple months ago. It was supposed to be a birthday present for you but… I don’t know, I woke up and I felt I just had to give it to you tonight. As a promise, I guess, that no matter when we are… in space or in time… Kathryn I will love you. I don’t think I would know how to stop.”

“I thought I told you not to say things like that,” Kathryn replied, but her throat was tight. “Please.’

“And I told you, I’m selfish. And the night’s not over.”

Chakotay folded the watch into her hand, and the cool metal was a shock compared to the warm body at her side. She knew she should probably put it on her night stand, keep it safe for later, but she couldn’t bring herself to let go of it. She pushed it under her pillow for now, and then laced her fingers with Chakotay’s once more. In the morning, they would go back to their normal lives. Kathryn was confident they could do it – there had been worse challenges faced together. But for the next few hours they still had each other, and for however long they were out here… that would be enough. It had to be.

And one day, hopefully soon, she would bring them all home. And she could love him again.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a good while, so I was pretty rusty when I started this fic. I'm still not totally sure how I feel about it - I'm very nervous to share it! But I recently saw that new Robin Hood movie, and let me tell you if that thing can be an internationally released film, this fanfiction can be uploaded to the internet.
> 
> Thanks, hope you enjoyed it, Happy Holidays!


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